When I arrived on Arran, and set up my tent at the lovely little campsite opposite Holy Isle, I realised for the first time that apart from my trusty companion Hari (labrador), I was completely alone, with hardly any cash left.
I had been so focussed on getting these projects going that I didn’t realise that I had managed to alienate everyone I knew, save my poor old dad, who still kept in contact regularly.
I had left everybody behind – girlfriends, friends, family, and back in 2006, the love of my life, my wife. All in search of the ultimate answer to life.
As I sat outside the tent with my wet socks, sipping on a can of beer, and smoking a cigarette, it hit me how arrogant I had been, and for someone who had preached compassion for years, compassionate was the last thing I was.
I was angry.
Angry at the person I had invested money into, who had run off with it, angry at the british people and government for their idiocy in pushing brexit through, angry at Covid, the government restrictions that came with it, that had put my Ariana projects on hold, and were the beginning of my financial troubles.
I was angry that I had to sell everything just to keep Ariana, the beautiful swan 55, I had purchased 5 years earlier, going.
I was angry at the people who I had employed for the sail trader project who were useless, and ended up leaving the boat, mid project, causing me to be left with thousands of pounds of stock with no one to help sell it.
I was angry at the crew for being incompetent freeloaders who were only on board to get free or cheap passage.
I was angry at everyone who came on board for not agreeing that a vegan diet was the best way to live, and who took great pleasure in devouring steaks and seafood in front of me when we reached land, despite knowing my views.
In fact, I was angry at everyone for getting in my way of making a better world for everyone!
Some people reading this may be shocked to read this … but I am not one to pretend everything is great, smily and happy, and hide behind shiny Instagram posts saying looking how great my life is! When in fact, nothing could be further from the truth…
‘Honesty is the best policy’ my old mum used to say, and talking of mum, I was angry at her too for getting cancer and alzheimers and for me ‘having’ to look after her on my own for 3 years until she died,
Phew..that’s a lot of anger for someone running a project that has compassion in its title!
Oh, I was also angry that humans were so stupid and ignorant that they needed someone like me to intervene and try to help them think better, make better choices, which would result in better outcomes, less violence, and a more evolved society!
Why bother, you may ask?
Because it’s important (to me) and ultimately to you hopefully, and anyway what else was I going to do with my life?
I’ve had the fancy cars, the nice houses, the well paid jobs, the beautiful women, travelled the world, and done pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted, all of the time!
Yoy may think I’m the wrong person to be running this project, and maybe I am, but how many people are completely honest with themselves, and everyone else?
Not many.
You see I don’t set mysef up as some holier than thou leader, with a perfectly polished public profile, and a personal life that they wouldn’t want anyone to know about!
So, where was I?
Oh yes, sitting in my tent, with wet socks, sipping a beer, and smoking a cigarette (smoking and drinking!!? Disgraceful! say the holierthanthou’s!) when I realised that although I was angry at all these things external to me, that were stopping me from achieving, I realised that, in fact I was using all these external situations as an excuse.
The problem lay with me. No one else.
At that moment, I smiled, let go of all that anger, knowing that what was holding me back, and here I am writing about it for all you fine people.
TO BE CONTINUED
