an existential crisis is defined by Wikipedia as –
“In psychology and psychotherapy, existential crises are inner conflicts characterized by the impression that life lacks meaning or by confusion about one’s personal identity. Existential crises are accompanied by anxiety and stress, often to such a degree that they disturb one’s normal functioning in everyday life and lead to depression”
After reading the definition, i realised that I have been in the midst of an existential crisis for the majority of my life on earth!
It’s not what is known as a mid life crisis, it’s been a whole life crisis!
I have never felt at home in the world, I have always felt that trying to fit in made me unhappy, although I had developed skils to fit in completely!
But my internal world was at odds with the world that had been created for me, and 54 years on, I still feel the same…
I have had dozens of long term relationships, a marriage, and hundreds of one night stands, and yet nothing has made me happy.
I have earned hundreds of thousands a year, been impoverished, lived in the finest hotels, and camped by the side of roads, I have walked thousands of miles, owned porsches, lived in monasteries, been a carer, a businessman, a writer, a therapist, a dj, and still nothing makes me happy!
I have dated beautiful women the world over and none of them make me happy, despite them being great human beings!
I have tried everything, but still I feel incomplete as a human being.
Psychologists might have great advice for me, but their advice will generally mean that I have to conform at some point!
Maybe I’m mentally ill, but I don’t think so! Maybe I’m enlightentened! Maybe I should just get a job, buy a house, and have children, but I dont think this will make me happy!
But maybe I should stop worrying about being happy!
Maybe a life dedicated to the service of others, to helping people will do the trick?
But..
Why should I help others, when I myself am suffering?
But…
Maybe this existential crisis is just a calling, a calling to explore what it means to be human.
What I’ve learned over my short life is that the journey of life is confusing and complex thanks to the human mind!
But I shall persevere! until the day I die.
I am sure I am on the right path, despite coming into conflict with everyone !
I like fun, and humour, and music, and caring for others, and would like nothing more than being in love again and having a peaceful life. But there is work to be done and I shall continue that work, even if destroys me!
But I will not bring others down with me, and so I continue my journey alone…´
I do believe that more people in the world need to have an existential crisis,instead of just conforming.
There is much work to be done, will you join me?
