To be honest, I’ve been in turmoil since the pandemic abruptly killed all my plans for Ariana Sailing Team and the wider project in general, having to rent a house in England in 2020 as the lockdown forced me and my labrador Hari out of my hotel…
The saving grace was meeting a beautiful girl, with whom I had fantastic chemistry and we weathered the storm with a daily array of cocktails and a lot of loving…
Fast forward a year and I surruptiously dumped her without any reason at all, save for me selfishly putting my own problems with money, the boat, the team, brexit, covid and my need for someone to be on my team 24/7/365 above her, without any regard to her feelings and the fact she had her own life and own problems to deal with.
As I was telling her that it wasn’t going to work out, it was almost as if I was above myself watching this person (me) destroying a beautiful relationship and hurting her more than I could ever have imagined.
Gradually over the next 2 and a half years, my entire world crumbled around me, with me having to put the boat up for sale, and leaving her in Portugal while I returned to a homeless existence, penniless, in the UK.
Just great, I thought to myself, just fecking great! Here am I trying to make a better world and all that has happened is I have ended alone, with no money, a dog, a backpack and a tent.
I was absolutely beside myself with loneliness, and grief, and at times felt utterly despondent, despite all the evidence pointing to the fact that I had created this situation, no matter how many people I blamed for it not working out specifically the way I wanted! Poor me!
But as I started long distance walking again, I realised that I was the creator of all this misery, and it was history repeating itself over and over…
I began to think there was actualy something really wrong with me, physically, psychologically and emotionally…that I was actually going mad…
But throughout the whole thing, the girl I had hurt so much through my callous words and behaviour, still supported me, still messaged me, and still tried to help me where she could, including financially!
But still I was angry, disappointed, hurt, scared… where previously when everything was going swimmingly well, was arrogant, entitled, and to be honest, a bit of a show off…
Look at you now, my brain said to me, now you’re just a 54 year old loser, living in a tent with a dog and no money…
People came to look at the boat, made offers, and then pulled out at the last minute leading to constant stress and frustration…
still, the girl who I had hurt so much, messged me, and tried to encourage me, but I couldn’t escape the feelings that were sucking the life force out of me on a daily basis…
I never meant to hurt her, but I just couldn’t cope with my own feelings of inadequacy… She was moving on with her life, and so was everyone else, trying to enjoy their lives, make money, and pay their bills, and here was I, the cool, funny guy, who everyone admired for his resilience, perseverance and general optimism in the world, almost suicidal…
Poor me… How the world had been cruel to me.. Me of all people…
Until one day when walking in scotland, a helpful voicce piped up in my head, saying “alan, you did all this, like you’ve done before, all in pursuit of your own selfish ‘goals’.
You deserve everything that is happening to you. And hopefully this will teach you a lesson…
But stil I continued, walking more and more, trying to solve the problems I alone had created!
You moron, you idiot, my brain helpfully added….
Not helpful, said me!
My brain continued.. You have destroyed everything you have ever created, punished those who loved you with callous disregard, and become a hateful figure, when you said all you wanted was a peaceful, loving, compassionate world… what a hypocrite you are!
You are the poison, not everyone else! You are a destroyer, not a creator, despite what you think!
What a shock that was..my own brain criticising me!
I realised that I needed to change, to evolve, to grow – not tomorrow, but at that very moment. Time was of the essence.
I need to make a big shift, I thought. Stop wallowing, and start helping, and for goodness sake, stop hurting people who loved me and cared for me.
The beautiful girl I had been so cold with had told me that there was no way back to what we had, and it seemed so final, I said, well, there’s no reason for us to keep in communication then is there?
She thought that was very extreme, but at that moment I realised why I was behaving like that…Not only was I being childish, she was right to distance herself emotionally and physically from me… I had created a toxic environment around myself and she was determined not to be brought down with me, let alone let me back into her life, just because I said I missed her, and had always loved her, and how great we were together…
She was absolutely right. And how would I like it if she had done the same to me?
I would have hated it, hated her, and owed never to speak to her again… but here was me, the perpetrator of sadness in her life, trying to rekindle the fire, without so much as an acknowledgement to her that I had hurt her…
So much for changing the world for the better…through my words and actions I was actually making the world a worse place for everyone who had the misfortune to fly close to the event horizon which was the personal black hole that I had created…
I walked to the far north of Scotland to get away from everyone, to regather my thoughts, balance my emotions, and do what I should have done all along… slow down, respect others feelings, show love and compassion, and finally let go of all the anger I had towards the world for being such a cruel place, when in fact it was me who was cruel.
For several days, I cried… self pity being a strong emotion…but then cried for all the people I had hurt along ‘the way’ …
What a fool I had been… So arrogant. Even my tears were arrogant.
I knew at that point that I had to let all that I was rest in peace, and redicover the kind, loving person I had been , before I started out on this project 20 years before…
And to the girl I hurt who supported me throughout all this, to her I say I am truly sorry, and hope one day you can forgive me. I stand before you, humbled and ashamed. Love Alan xxx
