Ok, so I’ve realised there is probably something wrong with me!
I’m not sure if I have OCD/ADHD/BI POLAR/ NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER OR ANY OTHER DISORDER!!!
But I’m not feeling at my best!
So I should probably seek some psychological help! Or maybe its you who should seek professional help? I’m not sure if I’m mad or you’re mad!
Needless to say I am unhappy…I’m unhappy that I can’t help you see sense. I am unhappy because I keep leaving relationships when they get difficult. I drink too much. I walk thousands of miles a year. I am homeless, but do nothing about it.
I am penniless because I keep trying to help everyone else.
I have lost my home, ariana, because I couldn’t keep the bills paid, but also because people from my country voted to take us out of Europe.
I have lost a great love in my life, because her situation was too difficult for me to deal with, and could not be patient…
But…
Maybe it’s not me!
Everyone keeps telling me that I’m the problem, and maybe that’s true, but there again, maybe it’s not!
Who is to know the truth of it?
I have spent 20 years trying to understand the human condition, and my place in the world, and to discover f there’s something more than what we see with our eyes…
I think I’ve uncovered that there is something wrong fundamentally with the way humans think, including myself, but no one else seems to think something is wrong!
It seems as if I’m the mad, bad guy! Despite me trying to help everyone I meet…
Whatever the case, I think it is high time I started taking care of myself before something bad happens to me!
The one thing I have realised is that I don’t do well on my own, despite teaching and preaching personal resilirence, and I need a mate!
Although I have had dozens of mates and hundreds of one night stands!
But none has worked out.
Crazy eh?
I don’t know who it is I am looking for, but I know that none have met my expectations, and in the end I have hurt and abandoned every one of them, including girls who I knew were ‘the one’
Like I said, there’s definitely something wrong with me! Do you ever feel like that?
The one thing I know is that I like being in love and I like sorry, love making love…
Someone once said to me, that she was going to ‘fuck the crazy out of me’ and although she tried, she couldn’t..
I also tried to walk the crazy out of myself but that didn’t help either!
So maybe I’m not crazy! Or…
Maybe I’m unhelpable! (not sure if thats a word)
One thing I have realised is that it’s difficult being human thanks to our three pound walnut which has the power of unlimited creation and destruction!
Every war, every violent act, every rape, every murder, every cruelty, starts in the this tiny space! Amazing isn’t it?
Yesterday, I flew down to Portugal with ryanair on a standard morning flight, so that I could complete the sale of Ariana so I could raise money to pay people back and have enough money to begin the next project…
But, there was a young girl on board who was experiencing severe emotional, psychologiical difficulties, who started out with a panic attack, screaming and sobbing, and then, was attacking people, and threatening to stab her travel companions …until finally our plane was diverted to bordeaux where she was removed by police !
All the passengers were pleased that this violent, disruptive passenger was removed so they could continue their journey to their holiday, but I wasn’t happy..
Something caused her to behave that way, and she had no thoughts of the consequences her actions were having on others.. or the consequences that being arrested in France and probably charged with endangering an aircraft, with a possible prison sentence would have on her…
But as I looked in her eyes I could see no love, only anger, and that saddened me…
I imagined her upbringing was not happy, but yet no one had intervened until the fateful moment on the plane where it as the police who intervened.
Why had no one intervened to help her before ?
Why had her traveling companions with which she exchanged words like ‘spiteful cunt’ and ‘i’ll stab you all’ not tried to help her? Why had no one had the awareness to help a very troubled girl , who was probably more afraid than aggressive?
What caused her to behave in that manner?
It is a question that neither the passengers, crew, or police wil ask, but in my mind she needs help…will no one help her?
No!
She was a danger to the aircraft…
After that experience, I have decided to find my way back to love, to help, to nurture, to take care of…
to love all, to take care of all…
